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Conscious Parenting – It Doesn’t Stop
November 2, 2008 by Kate Mathers
“Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.”
There are a couple of aspects of the vast subject of conscious parenting that I want to touch on here: the first is the importance of remembering that our children are not us, and that they are here to fulfil their own life’s purpose, and come to their own preferences, and to activate their own guidance systems. Now that might sound obvious, and not any particular parental challenge ….. and while they are young and we are in almost full ‘care-giver and care-taker’ mode, it usually isn’t.
However, it has been my experience as my children have grown older and become young adults, that by mid-late teens and beyond, this is something I have needed to remind myself of much more often; situations tend to arise with increasing frequency where, as parent, you feel older and wiser and that you might know best!
An example of this occurred recently with our eldest daughter who is 21. She had deferred her 4th and final year of a Nutrition degree, in order to work for 6 months to earn enough money to go to South America and perform voluntary work in the area of nutrition (for the remaining 6 months). She felt very strongly that she wanted to ‘give something back ‘, after years of privileged schooling and further education, and decided that the best way to
achieve this goal was to join a world-wide organisation which specialised in securing placements for young people wanting to utilise their particular training and skills in developing countries. In fact, rather than it just being voluntary work and therefore unpaid, students actually pay the organisation to find them work, and they also pay to live in the home of a local family, as this helps supplement the income of the local people, too. So, for almost the entire 6 months when she worked very long hours, 7 days a week, her focus was on the town of Cochabamba, Bolivia, where she was to work as a nutritionist in orphanages and the free medical clinics. She paid for a tutor to teach her Spanish, and everything looked signed, sealed and settled.
Two weeks before she was due to fly to Bolivia (she was already en route, touring Europe at this stage) she received an email from a chiropractor friend who lived in Lima, Peru, asking if she realised that Bolivia was on the brink of civil war, and that it could be highly dangerous for her to be there. He pointed out that in Bolivia, events can spiral out of control incredibly quickly.
Via emails and phone calls, we spent a great deal of time over the next week researching as much information as possible on the political situation in Bolivia, and relaying it to our daughter. Yes, it was very unstable, and there had already been numerous deaths resulting from political demonstrations etc. The view of the organisation with whom she was affiliated, however, was that it was safe in the particular area and town that she was destined for, and they especially wanted her to continue with her plans, as the placement was an unusually great match of skills with needs.
As parents of a beautiful blonde-haired 21 year-old-daughter, it would be dishonest of me not to acknowledge that we would have preferred her to change her plans, and not put herself in any danger. We were being asked our advice as to what she should do, and we found it a bit akin to consciously walking a tightrope – wanting to choose the secure and safe option for her (but really for ourselves, of course, because we loved her and didn’t want to see her place herself in a potentially dangerous situation so far away) and yet knowing, consciously, that she was her own person, with her own life purpose, and her own guidance system, and that ultimately it was her decision, not ours.
She decided to continue with her plans and to work in Bolivia. It is one of the poorest countries in the world, with a great deal of malnutrition, and she knew that her skills would be well utilised. This project had been her heart’s desire for a very long time now, and for her true Self, she knew she had to keep going with the flow of her life stream, with the current, not suddenly turn against it. So the dust settled, and everything moved speedily ahead again in the last few days.
Then, on the ACTUAL day that she was due to fly from London-Miami, and Miami into La Paz, American Airlines (the only airline to fly directly from outside South America into La Paz) cancelled all flights for 10 days, due to the danger and instability of the political situation.
She was devastated! We were shocked. More worried than ever. To us, it seemed the sign that she shouldn’t be going couldn’t be made any clearer than that: no flights. However, once more drawing myself back into personal alignment, and remembering Kahlil’s Gibran’s piece ‘Of Children’, my advice was for her to spend some time meditating on what was the right decision for her, and to feel for her intuitive answer from her own guidance as to what she should do. I admit to pointing out to her that one way of looking at it could be that the universe was making it very difficult for her to get there, and that she could take that as guidance if she chose. But I knew that her true freedom and empowerment would come from her personal alignment with who-she-really-is, and that, as a parent, I must practise the art of allowing her to go in the direction of her personal alignment with her own Inner Being, no matter what my misgivings or alarm.
I had been reminded many times during these intense days, of Gibran’s wisdom, and it was reading and re-reading that, plus reminding myself constantly of the teachings of Abraham (as in Abraham-Hicks)*, that enabled me to reach a space of acceptance whatever her ultimate decision….
Of Children (from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran)
“And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said,
Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward not tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the Archer’s hand be for gladness;
For even as He love the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.”
She has been working at an orphanage in Cochabamba, Bolivia, for almost a month now, and is living with a loving, warm family who help support her in her work, more often than not by offering a listening ear to all the difficulties and sad situations she encounters, but also by pro-active help in the most amazing of ways! But that’s another story……. as is that other aspect of conscious parenting I mentioned at the beginning of this piece. Next time…..
*Abraham-Hicks
”Parents don’t want their children to make the wrong decisions, so they don’t allow them to make the decision. And then the child becomes dependent, and then the parent resents that, and it gets off to a blameful thing early on. If you are encouraging children to do all that they can do – and not squelching the natural eagerness that is within them, so that they can shine and show you and themselves how good they are at adapting to physical experience – then everyone wins”. (dailyquote@abraham-hicks.com 31.10.08)
and
“If you encourage your children to say connected to Source Energy, they will remain clear-minded; they will remain optimistic; they will remain enthusiastic. They will remain balanced; they will remain flexible. They will remain in a state of grace. They will remain in a state of Well-Being. And they will make wonderful choices.” (dailyquote@abraham-hicks.com (24.10.08)
Kate’s website: www.magicofallowing.com
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I know where you’re coming from but you have to understand that is something she wants to do for the rest of her life. You couldn’t stand in her way to achieve her dream because the moment that you did stand on her way. She would hate you because you are the one that made her life miserable. I know this from my personal experience; of course I’m the ambitious child.
It is a good thing to give the suggestions to our children, but do please remember that they to have certain dream and ambition in life. Its very obvious to understand them and they are really willing to prove something to this world and should not be forced away from their path. Rather they can be guided in their ambitious path.
First off, I’d like to say “hats off” to you Kate for trying to understand and realize that your daughter needs to make her own decisions, no matter what occurs consequently. I can understand the trauma you must have gone through, as a parent. I really wish your daughter the very best.